amish_shadow's Journal

10:29pm: The Weekend.
Nathan asked me to marry him on Friday.
And I said Yes....

12:09am: camp.
So we're at camp now. its alright here. despite the occasional desire to strangle the nearest child. especially those 7 who have left their tablichki on the tablichki board. damn them all. watched the tatu video tonight. sigh.

yesterday was weird. don't even know how to describe it. the drink at the end of the night helped. thank god its only a few more days until off weekend. four actually for me. slava bogu. my children in the class are good. so that is nice. caught in the middle sometime with the peopleof class and family. but thats unavoidable at this point. i'm sure some of the others find it equally as amusing. ok tired.

12:17am: i wish camp would hurry up and start.
i finished piecing my quilt top today.
i can't fall asleep at night.
i can't get up in the morning.
i got sunburned yesterday.
i worry more now than before.
i made oatmeal cookies today.
i don't understand why he makes me cry.
i hope i can go to kansas.
i miss russia.
i need a drink.
i need 10 drinks.

12:01am: home
So I'm home in Omaha now. Second week here, kind of. Last week Dad and I went to visit Grammy who just got put into a nursing home with altheimers. Or however you spell it. And that sucked. This week has just been running around doing things. I can't wait until next week. Baby brother starts work at boy scout camp on sunday, which means mom will be going into the lab. Which means i get the house to myself. And we know what that means....... yes thats right. I can watch hours of Gilligan without any complaints. Call me if you're bored in town..... [cough cough... Ambrosia].

2:20am: I'm sorry that I miss you.
I know that I shouldn't, but that doesn't change the fact that I do.
I guess I should be happy that I get nine months rather than three.
At least I'm not Kate.

5:44pm: Isn't the semester over yet?

12:53am: lenin and i share a green tent.
Right so having noticed that some people that i know tend to write quite a bit more on these little thingies, i thought i'd say something. Not that i have a particularly lot to say tonight. Tonight was, however, a bit odd. i don't know exactly how i feel about things. rather confused in general i think. oh and pissed cause i got kicked out of dima and ichka's bed cause they decided to fuck.... but it being their birthdays i suppose its alright. tomorrow is happy celebrate the birthdays and drink lots and lots of vodka and go to the bar day. speaking of the bar, so last night dima decided that since he was offically 21 at last that we were going to corner bar at 1. ok fine, well not being regular bar goers on wednesday night, we weren't sure if corner was open so we figured we'd give them a call and see how late they'd be open. now one would think that if we looked under "bars" in the yellow pages we'd find all the bars in decorah.... i mean the town isn't that big, there can't be too many. no. nor was corner listed under clubs, resturants, night life, taverns, pubs, or my personal favorite: alcoholism (ichka's idea not mine). roscoe's was also not listed anywhere. and although ichka's idea of looking under shit hole to find roscoes is certainly noteworthy, entirely unhelpful.
But after dima the birthday genius looked up corner on the internet, he found the number and called and we went and blah blah.

Thus, Things That Concern Me.
1. my grades... they're mine, so i can give a fuck even if its irrational.
2. i'm not really convinced that spending 7 hours in the library on any given day is good... especially when my rationalization is the fact that i sit where i can see books about lenin. yay lenin.
3. the amount of wine i somehow drank tonight.
4. that fact that my father refuses to accept the fact that anthropology is not biochemistry, and therefore cannot be treated as such. it doesn't matter if mead is right. it doens't matter if freeman is right. because we'll never know! there is no need to know.
5. morning keg is the second stupidest idea i've ever heard of, the first being canoe derby

sigh.
I can't wait to live in baker next year.
goodness i wish it were summer.


if one more person tells me i worry too much i might be forced to shoot out their knee caps.

2:10pm: fuck all of you.

11:01pm: Welcome to what Liuba is doing that is most definetly not her anthro assignment......oops

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "comments on obtaining a linguistic sample and a guide for transcribing unwritten" -Salzmann's Language Literature and Culture: An Introduction fo Linguistic Anthropology
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? the Chanel sample from the slavics converence in Kansas
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? ER
4. WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is. 10:45
5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 10:43
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? sara (my roommate) typing and listerning to music in her room
7. When did you last step outside? what were you doing? at 8:30, walking back from the attempted field trip in Ylvie
8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at? Ann's journal thingy
9. What are you wearing? jeans, black tank top, lesnoe ozero sweatshirt and most importantly no socks
10. Did you dream last night? yes. we had nightmares about biology all night. not fun.
11. When did you last laugh? when erin made f un of me for my apparent lack of logic.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? nvidia graphic fairies, from russia with love poster, poster of dzherinsky, three amish shadow wall hangings, our lady of charlot poster, and prayer flats.
13. Seen anything weird lately? i was on seventh dieseth, so what do you think?
14. Last movie you saw? Bridget Jones' Diary
15. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? trump tower... ooh baby.
16. Tell me something about you that I don't know? um, its been rumored that occasionally i worry too much.
17. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? the fact that there is no word in english for the equilivant of a male slut.
18. Do you like to dance? yes. shura taught me to swing. and ask erin about roscoes.....
19. George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or someone who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years? sigh.
20. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? there will the triplets named flora, fauna, and meriweather.
21. [Same question for a boy]. Sean
22. Would you ever consider living abroad? yes. because who wouldn't want to live in a country where beer is cheaper than water.

1:58am: hands on the bible.
thank goodness the weekend is over.
too many confusing things.
too many conversations when i'm too tired to comprehend.
the worst part of all is that its more than one.
fuck it all.



hands on the bible
scared like a child
god holds you liable
for what you've done

today flew by.
and the exhaustion continues.
its a clue when you walk into the caf and the first thing taylor says to you is that you need to get more sleep.
not even a hello.

triple x tonight. much more interesting than henry V

negative .029 deviation. we'll see.

rats in the alley
toys in the cellar
she's an addict
and he wants to learn
hands on the bible
ego manical
as you screw yourself into oblivion

i wish it were summer.
so i could be domestic.
and a few other things................

6:22pm: isn't it friday yet?
please?

6:27pm: at some point this has to stop.


the day that is actually able to happen, send me a memo.

12:05am: i was just kidding about winning ddr.... i might pretend that i could win, but we all know the truth.
deliema of the day: why aren't i majoring in elementary education? and why do i wish i were so much?

spring break doesn't necessarily mean everythings ok.

6:26pm: so its been a while.
lots has happened. i've moved across the hallway, thank god. much better in here with sarochka. this weekend was ok. went to the lan party. that was fun. i wish jacob had been there so i could have kicked his ass at ddr and made my tailor on galaxies. oh well. he comes back tonight. drunken uno and roscoes with the house people on saturday night. that was fun too. oh and saturday afternoon was nice as well. flipped out a bit on saturday night/sunday morning. people were asking things they shouldn't have been. oh well. far as i can tell everythings ok now. at least kinda. what you don't know doesn't hurt you.

for as long you're here we're not.


and i need you now somehow.

track 3.

sigh.

11:44pm: seriously.... do they really want to play this game?

fight fire with fire...

they are so fucked.

8:46am: yesterday
So yesterday was certainly the day from hell. I feel so awful about some of the things going on between my roommate and I, but as was pointed out by several profs, its beyond my control. But that doesn't mean I'm ok with it necessarily. We did talk about some of the other issues. Like six hour phone calls every night. And overfeeding my fish. And the desire not to get raped because the apartment door is left wide open over night. so i guess thats better... at least for now. We're talking about rearranging the house so that we each have one of the big rooms. I'd move out to the living room and she'd stay in there. I don't know, part of me thinks its a really good idea, but at the same time it makes me feel like crying. And i don't know why. I'm just so upset about the whole situation in general. Yesterday I said i just wanted to go home, and thats exactly what it is. Go home where none of this exists. I can't wait until I move into baker next year and have my own room and get to cook and goodness it will be better. So now i'm just praying that today will be an improvment on yesterday- although i don't see how it couldn't be. sigh. oh wait.... /sigh. not as good as /pat, but still fun i suppose. Tonight brandon's gonna come over and hang out for a while. I haven't seen him since before j break. And we haven't really talked cept for that one time in Marty's after we had that big fight in j term. But i'm still happy we get to hang out today. Tomorrow is orange day....

Why can't today be friday?

Sometimes i wake up and wish i were still a freshman.

12:47am: today.
Today was rather odd. Several people seemed to be having nervous breakdowns.... for which I am significantly concerned. Played a few rounds of fluxx tonight, won one. Yay for me. Then went over and talked to Jacob, and Danny and Taylor for a while. Some things came up. However, suprisingly, I'm feeling ok about things. Or at least not bad, which is kinda interesting. However, we have determined the following things: first, no more drinking. two, maybe the new rules still aren't the best, three, apparently people care. Even if truths do come out when I'm drunk that I never would have said otherwise. Even if I'm making some bad decisions. Even if I'm scared sometimes. Maybe everything will be ok after all. Maybe I just need to take it one day at a time, instead of trying to figure out the whole week at once. And maybe I need to stay away from those live journals and websites that I know make it worse. So. Tomorrow we will try again.

however, my frustration at home here fails to change. sigh. oh well.

tomorrow....

7:47pm: back to where we were last week.... which isn't good.

11:56pm: valentine's weekend.
so yay for this last weekend. two of my friends from high school came up from ames where they go to school to drink and celebrate me being 21. however, when dima and i went to buy alcohol, i didn't even get carded. and i had pigtails with ribbons in. sigh. oh well. so that was lots of fun... although tyler slept in the bathtub. oh well. then on saturday night we played monopoly. and fluxx. and it all was just so fun. even if i think ann did cheat by having park place and boardwalk with three houses. its not my fault that everyone willed their things to jake, and he willed it all to me. and we watched newsies. and i got tucked into bed again. and then talked some more. and everything was just so nice. and then today i went to lunch. and then studied/slept/helped/watched galaxies all afternoon. and there was carrot cake at dinner. and then i finally watched that stupid movie for anthro. now if colin could just get off the crack and realize that the questions he gave us have nothing to do with the article we have for homework everything would be fine.... right.
yay for this being a new week.
yay for the new rules.... maybe my throat won't hurt as much.

and yay for the fact that i have the worst writing skills ever, as clearly demonstrated by the paragraph above. oh well.

oh and yay for the fact that i know every fucking word of every song in newsies.

8:26am: the fish.
my house gave me a fish for my birthday. his name is sharikov. named after the dog (Heart of the Dog) and the little blue/gay balloon and the masterbaring girl in the song.

it was cute, they tricked me out of bed last night by pounding on my door. and there they were with a fish. teehee. and then it took all seven of us to figure out how to get the fish into the plant vase. and whether the water was safe and what to name said fish and all of that. all the while craig (sasha) was wrestingling dima's girlfriend (erin) on the floor in the hallway. and sarah was caressing the rubber duck that was on the bag.

i love my house!

kak ya liublu moi russkii dom!

next weekend..... russian house celebrates with several gallons of vodka -regular and blue raspberry-, and with jeff's mudslides and smoothies.

and my friends are coming up for it from ames. and dasha and her roommate are coming down. and even malchik' is gonna come drink a shot with me....

ura!

5:46pm: right so now that we're sober again......

it feels like i'm not even here today, just floating along. not a good thing.
i wish it were late enough so that i could go to sleep.
my friends all seem to have vanished into their happy little worlds.

d&d, church, 'scoes, cooking chicken next door, math, ddr

so tired.
always tired.

no more talking for a while. no more anything for a while.

why bother? theres nothing more to say.

5:46pm: omaha.
hmmmm... what should liuba get for her birthday????
oh i know! how about being in a walking cast for the next four to six fucking weeks.
not that i'm angry at all.
my othopod says i shouldn't go to russia anymore, or soon there will be nothing left.

oh well.
tomorrow is happy jonah is an eagle scout day.

why dont' we have a kitchen sink?? aren't they rather important?

3:16am: see. now tongiht we've realized that its ok. four years is long enough. its never going to go away anyway, so why bother pretending it will anymore? prosti menye. its like the song... ya prodolzhayiu prostiye dolzhenyiye..... simple enough for me anyway. might as well continue. i can't fucking do anything right. i want to go home. but i don't have a home. i don't belong here. i dont' belong there. i dont' even have a name anymore. people ask me my name, and i don't even know what to say.

is is me you don't trust, or them?

i don't want to be here anymore.

10:20am: the lan party.
so last night was the lan party. id ont' know what to say about that. it was so fun. and now i have to get a play station two so i can play ddr and get good at it. and they taught me how to play mario card. and worms. and supposedly that silly star wars game... not that i would ever think it was silly. because honestly its not worse than any of the other ones. snood included i supose.

and it was just so fun. and now i'm so tired, but for once its not a bad tired. i like being this kind of tired. even if i am fuzzy and incoherent again. and now my mother just called. so she got to deal with the tiredness too. oh joy.

and tonight. we'll see. supposedly blinichki with the house/apartments in general. i'm sure i'll get conned into helping, although last time i cooked blini i started a small fire at my russian professors house. i suppose that means i should remove all the very small pieces of paper that seems to have multiplied over the floor... sigh.

but now we're going to sleep. or at least lie down. i'm tired. but feeling too happy to sleep.....

8:29am: ddr.
no longer am i a ddr virgin.